Clothes

Hi my name is Bronwyn and I am insecure. Who isn't? Maybe if I talk about it then other people will be more comfortable talking about it and we can all lift each other up. Also I wear clothes.

Originally this post was just about clothes. When you have a lot of clothes you can look at a jammed closet and not be able to find a outfit. Which means descending into the endless cycle of "I have nothing to wear." Then going out to get more clothes so you have something to wear but then just putting those clothes into an already crowded closet. Then the next morning you have the same conundrum. Everything sucks and you have spent a lot more money and don't have a beautiful functional wardrobe. I had this problem and it was compounded by a deep sense of insecurity. Because I had so many clothes I could never put together something that fit me nicely, went together, or made me feel comfortable. So I got upset with myself. My insecurity about myself wasn't just about clothes but this sure didn't help

I am learning that my insecurity does not reflect my worth. It is not what I think about myself that matters. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a ghost inside a machine. My body is not my beauty. These are the things I tell myself when I get myself down. I also know that faith without works is dead. If I just say these things and do nothing then insecurity with overcome me and crowd my thought life. I've learned to do tangible things to help me. For example one time I dyed my hair pink. In short it was a lesson in looking at myself differently.

I applied the same concept of looking at my hair differently to looking at my clothes and wardrobe differently.

I dyed my hair to remind myself that I am art. That my hair is not a signal of my worth as a woman. I had a tangible reminder of that for awhile and now I look at the mirror and remember the lesson of my pink hair. I adjusted how I viewed that portion of myself. I have felt the need to work on my clothes for a long time. So I purged them. I followed the Kon Mari method loosely. Holding each item and deciding whether it sparked joy or not. What didn't spark joy I donated. It ended up being garbage bags full of clothes that didn't fit, or I bought when I was sad that I didn't have enough clothes, or that I bought to impress people. Like my hair I decided to think of my clothes as art. Not only when they are hanging in the closet but when they are hanging on me. I am aligning every part of myself with my values.

All this to say now I own less clothes. Its the simplest solution I found to my problem. I was stressed out every morning by having too many options, I couldn't pick a outfit that was comfortable to me, and I got frustrated and felt insecure. It was not cool. When I moved home from Manitoba I got donated most of the clothes I had. Again when I was getting ready to move into the apartment with josh. And again a couple of weeks ago. Each time I do I shed a layer of choice. I shed clothes that don't suit me. That don't make me feel comfortable. I keep items that 'spark joy'. These items go well with other items in my wardrobe. I chose a colour palette that I loved: greys, blacks, blues, dark greens, stripes, and plaids. Colours and patterns that I love. I want to adorn my thought life with things that I love and I want to dress the same way.

Excluding work out clothes, pjs, and jackets I now own 60ish items of clothing.

Besides alleviating my frustration and insecurity it helps me in other ways. I no longer shop in quantity. Old habit: walk to value village and buy some clothes that don't fit well or that just were not me in order to feel better about myself and not actually addressing the real problem. New habit: have fewer items of clothing and only buy high quality things that fit me beautifully and make me feel pretty and comfy. This saves me money. Instead of buying a whole bunch of unnecessary items I'll only buy things that I know I need and that will add value into my life. Not only that but with my closet less jam packed looking at it causes me less stress. I can easily see everything and I know what does with what.

Hi my name is Bronwyn and I am insecure, but I am working on it. Beginning with how I look at my clothes.